My Ebenezer

It’s hard to be brutally honest about my feelings today, knowing that one day Nathan and Emma might read it. But I believe honesty is the only way to go.

I set up an anonymous email account for Nathan and Emma, one that their biological parents can send emails to. I got the two emails this evening, which I’ll insert below, that were sent to Granny J and she forwarded them to me. I’m going to respond to Candace and Brandon from the right account for the kids, because I would like them to email directly to that account so we can take Granny J out of the middle.

Setting up that account was hard for me. Part of me does not want Candace and Brandon to be able to send anything for the kids, but I realize that it is not my place to punish them. I think that’s what I’d be doing. I have my own feelings to deal with where they are concerned, but this just isn’t about me. It’s about those two sweet babies sleeping down the hall and what they’ll have later on. I know in my heart that it will mean a lot to them to have anything from Brandon and Candace.

Here are the emails I received:

Hi my loves, we miss ya’ll very much. we hope you had a very merry christmas and got every thing you wanted.I’m sorry we cannot be there with you.we love you so much words can’t describe it.we will always love ya’ll for ever and ever!!!!!!!!                                     
    Cindy and Brian, we would just like to thank you for eveything you have done for our beautiful children.I could not ask for anyone better,ya’ll are so wonderful. I don’t think there is no way to say how much we appreciate it.Ya’ll will make wonderful parents to nathan and mia.  love, mommy candace and daddy brandon

and the second one:

Hi Nathan and Mia,                                                                                                  

This is the second day I have had your email address and I just cannot wait to  write you everyday.I miss ya’ll so much.I don’t really know you mia but that does not mean I love you any less.As for nathan my little buddy i was with every day we played all the time.you loved to ride your four wheeler and play with papa dwayne(who also misses you).It is so hard to figure out what to say because I’m not sure if anything i say is right.I just want ya’ll to know how much you all were loved by us and we are sorry we cannot be with you everyday.When you get older I hope you can understand what happened and can forgive me and your father for making bad decions.But one good thing is you have cindy and brian as your parents because I could not have made a better choice myself.I love ya’ll soooooooo much.                                                        love,candace woodruff

I was shocked when I read the notes. It just doesn’t jibe with what I know of Candace and Brandon, but maybe what I “know” is not really what “is”. One reason I want the emails to come directly to the account and not through Granny J is that I want to make sure they are the exact words of Brandon/Candace. Not that I think Granny J would edit them, but she loves the kids so much and I just don’t know. I want whatever they get from their birthparents to be real.

Who knows? Maybe the door will be opened and I can ask questions I think the kids may want answered some day. It’s hard to be open to this – I am jealous of them in many ways. Jealous they got the first two years with Nathan. Jealous that she felt them move in her womb. Angry that they neglected Nathan and angry that she put drugs into my Emma’s system.

God, please help me put aside my own feelings and focus on what is best for Nathan and Emma. Please help me to forgive Candace and Brandon and to show them your love.