My Ebenezer

Yes, yes, I know. Updates aren't as frequent because they've just gotten a little boring lately. I can't write about every funny thing Speedy does or I'd be here writing instead of enjoying him all day long.

It still amazes me how much our lives have changed in so short a period of time. I never knew I could love like this. It's just so different from anything else and I guess you can't understand it until you are in the middle of it.

People continue to ask us about the future and about whether or not we'll get to "keep" Speedy and Princess. It is a constant reminder that there is a possibility that we could lose them. Sometimes I wish people would just quit asking me. I mean, if I know something new I promise I'll tell you. I guess I just get frustrated at constantly having to explain it. People may as well just say to me, "Hey, those aren't REALLY your kids, remember?" LOL, thanks for THAT reminder!

God has given us a peace about the situation. We trust that He is in control and He is going to provide, as He always has. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have my moments of panic – when I watch my babies sleeping, when I hold them close and smell the tops of their heads. Mainly though, the time that I am most likely to have doubts is when people ask me about it. I know that's wierd, but it's how it works for me. I find myself trying to explain it away when all I really want to do is say, "we're trusting God and you should too." But that's kinda harsh.

Parenting is different than we expected. More on that later.

Hop on over to Karen's site (www.babyhale.blogspot.com) and see their new addition! Jenna Marie was born on Friday, weighing in at 7lbs and 13oz! Welcome, Jenna!

Speedy did pretty good with the shots. Although he screamed and cried (and I almost did, too), he recovered very quickly. I was very angry that he had to get FIVE shots and has to go back in a month to get a few more. This is because he was behind on his shots.

While we were getting ready to leave Monday morning, Toolman was bathing Speedy and I was feeding Princess. Princess started to smell REALLY bad so I lovingly called out to Toolman, "honey, would you please take over here and see if you can get her to eat a little more? I can't get her to take more than an ounce." Of course, toolman was happy to oblige. As I put Princess in his arms and grinned wickedly at him, he smelled it. "AWWWW! No fair! Come back here and change her diaper!" I laughed as I walked away…..until I got to the bathroom. Speedy was sitting in the drained tub with pee pee in front of him and poop behind him. And he was so proud of his accomplishment.

I got stuck cleaning that up instead. I sure made a bad trade there.

By the way, poor Speedy has to get shots first thing Monday morning. I'm not looking forward to this at all – I really don't understand how we're going to keep him still while they stick a needle in him. I'm very sad about this. Toolman took off of work to help me. At first, I was going to send him and Speedy by themselves but then I felt guilty about not being there for Speedy.

Honestly, he'd probably do better without me there. I'll be more nervous than he is because I will know what is coming. And I can see his face already – that open-mouthed, crocodile tear, screaming cry he has when he is really upset. It's going to break my heart. And he will get WHATEVER he wants afterwards. And maybe I will, too. ha ha ha

On Saturday, we took both kids to the zoo, though I doubt Princess will remember any of it. Speedy had a good time – he loved watching the elephants but was more excited about the little train he got to ride than anything else. Oh, and he also had a blast playing in the water at the zoo. Maybe next year he’ll be more excited about the animals!

It was funny watching him play in the water because he was the only kid his size. Everyone else was older, much older. One kid about his age came in but didn’t want to play – Speedy has no fear! I was close to SPeedy while Toolman stood back with Princess. Every once in a while I would look back and see him grinning from ear to ear. He told me later that a few of the women standing near him kept talking about how cute “that little boy” is and how he is having so much fun out there! Daddy was proud!

On Saturday, we took both kids to the zoo, though I doubt Princess will remember any of it. Speedy had a good time – he loved watching the elephants but was more excited about the little train he got to ride than anything else. Oh, and he also had a blast playing in the water at the zoo. Maybe next year he’ll be more excited about the animals!

It was funny watching him play in the water because he was the only kid his size. Everyone else was older, much older. One kid about his age came in but didn’t want to play – Speedy has no fear! I was close to SPeedy while Toolman stood back with Princess. Every once in a while I would look back and see him grinning from ear to ear. He told me later that a few of the women standing near him kept talking about how cute “that little boy” is and how he is having so much fun out there! Daddy was proud!

When i am in my office, Speedy is usually right underfoot playing with something he shouldn't be. Most of the time, I just let it go as long as he isn't climbing into my lap. He likes to pull things out of my computer case; things like highlighters, pens, lipstick, etc…. I keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't using any of these items.

This afternoon, I noticed he got pretty quiet and was playing pretty intensely with something from my bag. I knew it wasn't makeup or a pen so I wasn't too worried, but I did decide it was time to see what had him so occupied. You know, we have  A TON of toys in the playroom – way too many toys. And my child was quite content to sit at my feet and play with a tampon. Yes, you read correctly, he was playing with a tampon. He must have opened it pretty quietly because I never even heard the paper rattle.

I laughed and figured, Hey, he's entertained, I can send emails……:D Toolman walked in the door and I pointed to what Speedy had in his hand. Toolman said, "What is tha…..OH! Yucky! Speedy, don't play with that. Queenbee, what are you letting him do?" I laughed as Toolman took Speedy by the hand and said, "C'mon, Speedy. Let's go measure the oven, we need to do something manly." LOL

They measured the oven because we need to purchase a new one. We went out to look at them tonight and kept Speedy out past his bedtime. At the mall, we decided to let him play while I fed Princess and then he was having fun so I ventured into Old Navy while Toolman kept an eye on him. By this time, he normally would have been asleep. Toolman brought him into Old Navy and and I could hear Speedy whining about wanting to get down and play. When Toolman went to put Speedy in the stroller, we witnessed our very first tantrum! It was very exciting and I laughed a lot. I know one day soon they won't be funny anymore but Toolman and I were both giggling and trying to hide our smiles from Speedy. It wasn't a MAJOR tantrum, but it was enough to give us a preview of what's ahead. And enough to remind us that we should really honor his bedtime.

When i am in my office, Speedy is usually right underfoot playing with something he shouldn't be. Most of the time, I just let it go as long as he isn't climbing into my lap. He likes to pull things out of my computer case; things like highlighters, pens, lipstick, etc…. I keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't using any of these items.

This afternoon, I noticed he got pretty quiet and was playing pretty intensely with something from my bag. I knew it wasn't makeup or a pen so I wasn't too worried, but I did decide it was time to see what had him so occupied. You know, we have  A TON of toys in the playroom – way too many toys. And my child was quite content to sit at my feet and play with a tampon. Yes, you read correctly, he was playing with a tampon. He must have opened it pretty quietly because I never even heard the paper rattle.

I laughed and figured, Hey, he's entertained, I can send emails……:D Toolman walked in the door and I pointed to what Speedy had in his hand. Toolman said, "What is tha…..OH! Yucky! Speedy, don't play with that. Queenbee, what are you letting him do?" I laughed as Toolman took Speedy by the hand and said, "C'mon, Speedy. Let's go measure the oven, we need to do something manly." LOL

They measured the oven because we need to purchase a new one. We went out to look at them tonight and kept Speedy out past his bedtime. At the mall, we decided to let him play while I fed Princess and then he was having fun so I ventured into Old Navy while Toolman kept an eye on him. By this time, he normally would have been asleep. Toolman brought him into Old Navy and and I could hear Speedy whining about wanting to get down and play. When Toolman went to put Speedy in the stroller, we witnessed our very first tantrum! It was very exciting and I laughed a lot. I know one day soon they won't be funny anymore but Toolman and I were both giggling and trying to hide our smiles from Speedy. It wasn't a MAJOR tantrum, but it was enough to give us a preview of what's ahead. And enough to remind us that we should really honor his bedtime.

As I was about to write this post last night, I started rereading what I had written in early February, when we first learned of Speedy.

My favorite quotes from those first few days are:

This is the child that has been growing in my heart since we decided to adopt.

Tonight, while I was holding my little Princess at the hospital, these lyrics came into my head:

“How great is our God? Sing with me…How Great is our God?….All will see How Great….How Great…..is our God”

Wait on God, friends. It’s always worth it.

It is a beautiful gift to be able to go back and read my thoughts and feelings during those first few hectic weeks. I don't remember a lot of it, but reading it again brings it back. I can't believe it has all happened – it seems like it was so fast.

Christmas is here, my friends. And I've never been happier.

It is a priveledge to parent Speedy and Princess. I spent all day yesterday playing with Speedy instead of getting clothes washed. It was well worth it.

Princess will be three months old this Saturday. I'm going to take some pictures of her hands and feet, like I did before, and post them for you so you can see how much she has grown!

As I was about to write this post last night, I started rereading what I had written in early February, when we first learned of Speedy.

My favorite quotes from those first few days are:

This is the child that has been growing in my heart since we decided to adopt.

Tonight, while I was holding my little Princess at the hospital, these lyrics came into my head:

“How great is our God? Sing with me…How Great is our God?….All will see How Great….How Great…..is our God”

Wait on God, friends. It’s always worth it.

It is a beautiful gift to be able to go back and read my thoughts and feelings during those first few hectic weeks. I don't remember a lot of it, but reading it again brings it back. I can't believe it has all happened – it seems like it was so fast.

Christmas is here, my friends. And I've never been happier.

It is a priveledge to parent Speedy and Princess. I spent all day yesterday playing with Speedy instead of getting clothes washed. It was well worth it.

Princess will be three months old this Saturday. I'm going to take some pictures of her hands and feet, like I did before, and post them for you so you can see how much she has grown!

I just wrote a great post and then I lost it. Stupid technology. I'll do it again tomorrow morning. Bleh.

All the time.

This past week I really struggled with where everything sits with the kids. I talked to God for a long time one afternoon last week and kept asking Him to just tell me specifically what would happen. You know how that works, right? Well, oddly enough, the first thing that came to my mind was the joke about the man who drowned when his house flooded. He sat on top of his roof and prayed to God to save him.

A boat came by and the man refused to get in, saying God was going to save him. A helicopter came by but again the man refused, saying he knew God was going to save him. Finally, a raft came by and the others begged the man to get in as the water was nearing his chest but he again refused. And he drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God why He had not saved him. God replied, "I sent a boat, a helicopter and raft but you refused them all. What more did you expect?"

I feel like that's where we are with the kids. All the "signs" point to adoption. The caseworker thinks it will flip, our agency thinks it will flip, even the ad litem seemed to think it would flip. But I want more. God wants us to have faith; the kind of faith that says we'll keep praising Him no matter what happens. And we will.

As Easter weekend comes to an end, I can't help but be reminded of the most precious gift God has given us. What more can I ask for?

The kids are where God wants them right now and I believe they will be with us forever. But it is so easy to think of the "what if's" and get scared. I know that when I feel like the fear will overtake me, the only option I have to seek God. The only thing that makes the knot in my stomach go away is when I praise God. I sing my heart out to Him (and believe me, only HE wants to hear me sing….) and that twisting knot of yuckiness in the pit of my stomach goes away. It's only by focusing on Him that I can overcome the fear.

Afterall, He is the perfect love that casts out all fear.

Today's visit was interesting. It was a two hour visit since they didn't get to see the kids last week. About an hour into it, they switched rooms and walked through the lobby where I was sitting. I said hi to Speedy but was careful not to interact with him too much, as I didn't want to interfere with the visit. About 30 seconds after he walked into the second room, which was right off the lobby, he came barrelling out of there crying and ran straight to me. I picked him up and loved on him, told him it was okay and that he was going to play for a little while longer with his other mom and dad. I carried him into the room and put him down and walked away. I pulled the door shut (dumb me) and then walked over to the desk and asked the secretary to have the case worker go and check on them. She asked me if i would open the door because she was supposed to be watching them. I just looked at her like she was nuts and she said, "maybe I should open the door, huh?" I was like, DUH! As soon as she opened the door SPeedy came running out again and jumped into my lap. I loved on him and then I gave his bio mom some candy I had in my bag and told her to give it to him. She handed it to him (without breaking it up into little bites – the checkout lady at Walgreens would have gone nuts) but he wouldn't budge. I asked her what she wanted me to do, if she wanted me to go in the room for a few minutes until he calmed down. She said she didn't know. Then she said, "we could just end the visit now and have another one later this week." I told her we wouldn't be able to do that.

Anyway, so she sat next to me and I placed Speedy on her lap and told him he should sit with her while he ate his candy. Then the caseworker suggested I leave the lobby so I told Speedy I'd be right back and I sat in his office for the duration of the meeting. Poor Speedy, I think he was just confused because usually when they come back through the lobby, he leaves with me.

Granny Crack (maternal grandmother) said as I was leaving the room, "this is because ya'll have confused him by having him call you mom and dad." I was so proud that I was able to bit my lip and not say what I was thinking at that moment. It wouldn't have mattered if Speedy called me George – he still would have run to me because I give him consistent love and attention on a daily basis. It's normal for him to bond with me and Toolman.

Still, I know it must be hard for bio parents to watch that. It has to hurt. My heart is losing empathy for them but I am trying to see things from their perspective. Mostly, I'm just glad that Speedy knows I love him.

Traveling with two small children requires packing everything but the kitchen sink! We had quite a weekend. It was a lot of fun just watching Speedy have so much fun. He played at the park, went swimming, took long walks with his wagon, went on an Easter Egg hunt and slept like a baby! ha ha ha

The funniest part was during the Easter egg hunt. Toolman was walking with him, holding his basket while Speedy picked up eggs and put them in. I guess he got tired of doing so much "work" so he figured a better way to collect eggs. Afterlall, there was a man carrying another basket that was full of eggs right next to him. So Speedy just helped himself to the man's eggs and I cracked up. Toolman helped Speedy return the eggs to the man who thought it was as funny as we did, thankfully. I think Speedy is a business man in the making.

DOn't have time to write more now as we are getting ready for a visit with bios. It will be  two hour visit this morning since we missed last week. Pray for me. It's from 9a – 11a. Pray for Speedy.

Did you know that mayonaise is a substitute for eggs? Seriously! I didn't have any more eggs and couldn't run to the store for eggs or a cake mix, but I had all of the other ingredients to make a homemade cake! I found a recipe to make a cake with mayo instead of eggs and oil. No kidding. AND, it doesn't taste any different than the normal kind of cake. Well, the burnt one tastes quite different but not because of the mayo.

My oven is on crack. The temperature gauge on it is WAY off. I've asked for a new one for my birthday…in June…but I want it now. ha ha ha

The bunny cake looks cute. Okay, it's pretty freakin' cheesey but it's my first one. I think Speedy will get a kick out of it.

Tonight as we were finishing dinner, I helped Speedy get his clothes off (the laundry room is by the kitchen) and told him to take his diaper off and put it in the trash. This is our habbit now. As we were walking to the bathroom, I heard Princess fussing so I decided to detour into her room to reinsert the pacifier. As I'm heading that way, I'm thinking to myself that I better be quick before Speedy decides to experiment with peeing again. As I put the pacifier in her mouth and realize, thankfully, that Speedy has followed me so I can keep an eye on him, I feel something warm hitting my ankle. I've got to say the kid had good distance. And he was so proud. He was even aiming a little, I think.

The adventures begin. Now he has realized that he can direct his pee in the direction he wants it to go. Oh boy.

I'm so excited that Easter is almost here! Woo Hoo! We have a tradition of going to the Lake where my mil has a place and Toolman's whole family goes for all or part of the weekend. The community where we are has campgrounds and we usually camp, but aren't quite that ambitious this year.

So when I finished typing the paragraph above, I decided to go check the cake I had in the oven because I was smelling it and it way too early for that to happen. See, the post was going to be all about how excited I am to make and Easter Bunny Cake and that I'm sick because I want to decorate it while Speedy is sleeping so I can make it look "pretty". I know next year and from then on he'll want to help decorate it.

But since I CHARCOALED the first box of cake mix, I had to start over after scrapping as much of the burnt mix out of the two pans as I could. As I'm just getting everything situated to start round two, I crack the second of three eggs into the mixture and watch something vaguely resembling and egg yolk and egg white slipping deep into my mixture. The brownish yucky looking stuff in the egg shell was not encouraging. Down the disposal with the second cake mix.

I'm done. No more cake mix and kids are sleeping so i can't just run to the store. Maybe when they wake up we'll go to the store and I'll buy 100 cake mixes just to make sure I get it right. sad day for me, friends.

On another note, since our regular visit is scheduled for Fridays and tomorrow is Good Friday, we aren't having a visit this week. But unfortunately, that means we have a two hour visit next week, on Monday. They don't want to wait until Friday because they missed this week's visit. Which I understand. But then it will be almost two weeks because hopefully we'll get back on track with Fridays.

I hate visits.

Speedy and I went to the store today to get some candy. At the checkout, Speedy had the candy in his hand and didn't want to give it up to the checkout lady. I don't think he understood that she'd give it back. ha ha

I got it from him and handed it to her as I explained that he would get it right back. And the checkout lady said to me, "I don't this it's a good idea to give him this candy. It could choke him."

Seriously, did I just get parenting advice from a COMPLETE stranger? What's up with that? The candy I got him was perfectly fine and safe for him. I'm not telling you what it was because as soon as I do, someone will tell me I shouldn't give it to him and I'll scream. ha ha ha

Anyway, Speedy is rebelling against naps these days and I'm getting a little frustrated. He gets SOOOO cranky in the late afternoon when he doesn't have his nap. Actually, he's not TERRIBLE, he is still quite adorable in those afternoons but his listening skills are greatly dimenished. What's a mom to do?

He does really well with a super early bedtime so we may just move to that. But I sure want MY naps. Once it gets hot enough, we'll swim every morning so that should wear him out good. Maybe then he'll sleep. Here's hoping…………………..

Today, we went to Grammie's house for a little while after having our picture made with the Easter Bunny. While there, Grammie decided Princess needed a diaper change so she layed her on her lap and started to change her diaper. Right as she was getting the new diaper on (and right I was thinking Grammie was pretty brave to change Princess on her lap when she is wearing her nice work clothes) Princess peed all over her. The best part is that she laughed [Princess] while she did it.

Grammie didn't think it was too funny, but I got a real kick out of it. Sorry!

SPeedy did great with the Easter Bunny. We got a really cute picture and Grammie even bought us a pretty Easter frame to put it in.

At eleven weeks old (6 weeks adjusted age), Princess rolled from her tummy to her back. Toolman gave her a pacifier then ten minutes later she was fussing again so I went to give her the pacifier. She was on her back, totally. There were no props, she did all by herself. I ran back to our room and asked Toolman if he had put her on her side or on her back and he said no. That girl, I tell you. I can't believe she rolled over already. Something tells me we are really in for it.

SPeedy was walking at eight months old. Uh oh.

Princess is officially smiling in response to us now. Not every time, but when she is really awake, she will give you a mouth open grin as she throws her head back. Almost looks like she is laughing – it's really funny. I think she may be starting to find her voice, too, as she was making strange noises today. Also, last night, she rolled from her tummy to her side all by herself. Our little girl is growing fast.

Speedy mimicks everything. It's funny and scary to see a little person mimmick almost everything you do. We sure have to stay on our toes and make sure that we are living the way we want him to live. That's hard. Today, he sat in my lap quite a bit and wanted lots of lovin'! I loved it. He grabbed my watch and kept looking at it. I said, "this is a clock." Don't ask me why I didn't call it a watch – I'm sure wishing I would have.

For ten minutes after that, he kept saying, "Clock" perfectly…..almost. He can't say his l's yet so he just left the l completely out. Then he would say, "clock peas?" minus the l from clock. Sound it out. Nice, huh?

He has so many words and most of them I can even understand. That kid just cracks me up. Toolman always says to him, "I'm watching you," when Speedy is taking a bath. If he walks into the other part of the bathroom to get a towel, he can still see Speedy through the mirror and that's when he says it. Tonight, when he walked into the other part of the bathroom, Speedy said, "I washin ewwww". I can't even write about that kid without a huge grin spreading across my face.

I didn't know it was possible to love this hard this fast. To be willing to give up so much for just an opportunity for them to have a little more.

We brought Princess to church for the first time on Sunday and it was so awesome to hold her in my arms while I worshiped The One who brought them to us. I just love it when people tell me how cute she is. When they don't, I immediately know that something must be really wrong with them. ha ha ha

Tomorrow, Speedy spends the whole day with Grammie while Princess and i hang out and do taxes. And then I get to have a haircut – WOOHOO! I've been looking forward to my "break" all week but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm going to miss him. Even just for one day.

Abuse Facts – Confirmed
2003 Texas www.preventchildabusetexas.org
Physical abuse: 36,606

Sexual abuse: 7,473

Abandonment: 420

Medical neglect: 2,371

Physical neglect: 7,198

Neglectful Supervision: 26,398

Refusal to accept parental responsibility: 845

Emotional abuse: 1067

Total Physical Abuse:
60-70% of abused children suffers bruises and welts 15-20% incurs skeletal injury.

25-30% of cases involves brain or neuromotor dysfunction

Social Abuse:
50% of runaway youth have been physically abused and an even greater percentage have been sexually abused.

60% of prostitutes have been sexually abused as children.

65% of prison inmates at the Ferguson Unit (TDC) have been abused as children.

90% of convicted murderers were physically abused as children.

Emotional and Psychological:
50% abused children have school related problems.

22% suffer learning disorders requiring special education.

60-80% of adult drug or alcohol abusers have a history of child abuse.

 These are only the cases that were confirmed. Can you imagine how many more are still out there?

People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, "Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. 15 Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it." And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them. Mark 10: 13-16

At the visit last week, I got to spend more time visiting with Speedy's paternal grandpa. Those grandparents are so wonderful and love him so much. As we talked and he shared more of Speedy's history with me, I said, "it sounds like it is a miracle he came out of all that in one piece and with such a wonderful disposition." And he said to me, "Someone has been watching out for him. Some kind of higher power or something has definitely been taking care of Speedy. It really is a miracle." And as he spoke those words, my own words came back to me, words that I started praying (see the third paragraph, last two sentences of the previous linked post) a year ago: "God, wherever our children are, please keep them safe. I pray that they are hugged and kissed and that they know they are loved, despite any bad circumstances." God answered that prayer.

Another gift that I never imagined possible is the opportunity to see baby pictures of Speedy. His paternal grandma shared some with me and I'm just overwhelmed.

God is good. All the time. All the time, God is good.

We killed Elmo on Saturday. He was our pinata for Speedy's party and, thankfully, Speedy didn't mind that we beat him with a plastic bat. Almost everyone we invited showed up for Speedy's party and he got TONS of stuff. I'm definitely introducing these new toys to him one at a time over the next few weeks. Think of the breaks I'll get as he plays with something new! Woo Hoo!

We gave Speedy his own little cake (which was adorable thanks to Brigitte) and he destroyed it. And when I say "destroyed" I mean DESTROYED! He was still feeling a little under the weather and his appetite was gone so he decided to tear it apart and mush it with his fingers. Then he thought it would be fun to spread it all over his tray and knock some of it on the floor. And if you think all that was fun, you should have seen him throw a few pieces of it! What was I doing while he was going nuts and some people were giving me disapproving looks? I was laughing, what else? On one day of the year, for one sitting, if he wants to throw cake then he gets to throw cake. So if you come to his next party, be ready to duck.

He had fun playing with the kids but I'm not sure he knew the party was for him. Poor thing, as soon as he opened a present and saw the wonderful new toy, we'd take it away from him so he could open another one. He'll enjoy "re-opening" them over the next few weeks.

Overall, it was a fun day. Speedy was totally wiped out and has finally started to feel better. I'm ready to get back into our routine and I think he is, too. The whole daylight savings time thing may have thrown him off, though. He was a little upset about going to bed tonight and I think it was partly because it was still light outside. Poor little guy.

Now, if only we could get Princess to get back on our schedule……