My Ebenezer

I think its great that lots of churches have “fall festivals” and stuff as an alternative to Halloween. My kids will go trick or treating. I think it’s all part of the fun. I guess if I continue to my usual Halloween costume every year, I won’t be winning any “mother of the year” awards. O well.

This is me from tonight. I had a blast scaring the crap out of kids who came to the door. Actually, I tried to just scare the bigger ones but I did make one little boy who was dressed like a dragon run. I said I was sorry, but I really wasn’t. I thought it was freakin hilarious. Watching the kids scream and run when I opened the door was the highlight of my day. Am I sick or what?

Oh, I did scare the sweet little boy across the street but that was an accident. I really did feel bad about that one, he’s an adorable boy and I did not want to scare him. I knocked on his door and when he opened it he ran and hid under the kitchen table. Poor guy. He came out when they told him it was me.

I so want to be able to turn out the lights, crawl in bed and fall fast asleep. I haven’t been able to do that successfully since M called to tell me that we are going to a four-way. I can’t help but wonder if it will be this way every time, if we’ll get this excited and if I’ll have this much trouble sleeping. Along with that thought, ofcourse, is what if this is the ONLY time we have to do this. At least until we decide to adopt again.

Part of me wants to just go nuts and be as excited as I possibly can be. To just imagine that we will be able to adopt spiderman and enjoy every minute of anticipating his arrival. I know if we don’t get spiderman, that just means we’re one step closer to the one (or two) we will get. I know we’ll be disappointed but I really don’t expect that we’ll be devastated. We still only want the child(ren) God has for us.

One minute it’s thinking we will get him and imagining what life will be like with a 5 1/2 month old. The next it’s thinking we won’t get him and wondering what the child we do get will be like. Welcome to my world of insanity. Will it ever end?

Most women, and yes I do mean women, still have a hidden fantasy of being a princess. It starts the moment we see pink ruffles or watch Cinderella – this deep desire to be rescued by Prince Charming. We catch a lot of flack over it – usually by the men. But I’ve got this theory that they, too, have their own deep rooted desire to be………..you guessed it, Prince Charming. Maybe not the charming part, but the rescue part.

It’s why they don’t mind getting off the couch during their favorite tv program to catch a gecko that has you scared out of your wits. Or kill the cockroach crawling on the floor as you scream and stand on the furniture. Get them off the couch to help you with the dishes? Yea, right. Not a chance. But if you see a spider in the bathtub as you’re getting in, you can bet they will come running to save you.

Last night, Daddy-O was sound asleep. It was about midnight and I was in the den watching tv and playing on the computer. All the lights were out in the den except for the glow of my computer screen and the television. For just a split second, the whole den lit up and then immediately went away. Almost like what you’d expect if there was lightening outside or something. So that’s what I thought it was – heat lightening. After it happened a few times, I got an uneasy feeling as I realized all the blinds were closed and no way could heat lightening be generating that much light in my den.

I wondered if someone were shining a high beam light through the window in our front door. I waited…..waited….and there it was again. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can get the laptop off my lap and run into the bedroom to wake my husband when I’m scared. Daddy-O was instantly wide awake and running to the front window. I felt so bad waking him up because he had to work early this morning. But he insisted it was okay, he would “check things out.”

From a very sound sleep, Daddy-O instantly turned in to heroic man with puffy chest and x-ray vision as he looked through every window for possible perpetrators. After about 10 minutes, he decided whoever it was had given up the hoax and left so he went back to sleep after carefully checking all the locks.

Fast forward 5 minutes. I see the lights again and this time I’m really freaked out. Even though I know it is just one of our redneck neighbors (no offense, Jeff ha ha ha) or some kids, I’m really scared. Too scared even to get up this time so I just holler for Daddy-O. I wasn’t sure he heard me but soon realized that the moment he heard my voice he was out of the bed and to the front bedroom window lickety split. My hero.

My hero who then decided to go outside and look around for the pranksters. At midnight. In his underwear. So as I’m peeping through the front window watching my big strong hero walk through the street in HIS UNDERWEAR, it becomes clear to me that the perpetrator is in the house. The light was coming from inside my house. AFter only a instant of panic, I started to giggle.

It was the tv. Yes, the one I had been sort of watching in the den. You know how when the scene changes the way the whole room is lit up changes, too? Well, I came to the conclusion that because my eyes were focused on the computer screen instead of the tv, that when the scenes started changing it appeared out of the corner of my eye to be a light shining in from outside. THis is what occurred to me while Daddy-O was storming the streets in his underwear looking for the boogie man.

When he came back in he sat in a chair where he could see out the front window and kept watch for about 15 minutes. I suggested that because I was tired and it was so late that perhaps my mind was just playing tricks on me and it was the light from the tv. He kept watching. Finally, I convinced him to go back to bed and I went also.

I still think it was the tv, but let’s just keep that between you and me, okay?

10 more days.

Since I’m off next week and have nothing to do but wonder whether or not we’ll be chosen to parent Spiderman, I figure I’ll make a “to do list” here and you guys can keep me accountable. There’s lots that needs to be done around here and next week is the perfect time to do it. I’ll consider it a real accomplishment if I can cross even one thing off the list after next week.

1. Get over this nasty cold (okay, that one is GOING to happen)
2. Catch up on Thank You notes
3. Write letters I’ve been putting off
4. Get the freezer fixed
5. Get the front door fixed
6. Go through the big bins of crap in my office
7. Catch up on my filing
8. Work on a Christmas present I’m making

That’s enough for now. I reserve the right to add to it later.

until we find out if Spiderman gets to be ours. How will we ever make it?

When we first got the news, I was in shock. We called our parents, talked to friends and even blogged about it. I remained cautiously optimistic all evening. I was excited, but not too excited because it isn’t for sure. And even if we are chosen, it still isn’t “for sure” as this is a legal risk adoption.

Something happened while we were watching tv tonight. I don’t even remember what it was – but it had something to do with a father and a son. All at once it hit me – we could have a son in a matter of weeks. A son. Our son. A perfect, beautiful, precious son. A little boy. Daddy-O can teach him to throw a ball and shoot a gun. (we live in Texas, what can I say?) We’ll teach him good old fashioned manners (we hope) and help him catch bugs. Okay, Daddy-O will have to help with the bug part. It’s like all of a sudden I saw the next 20 years with a son and I knew instantly………..I already love this child.

The voice of reason keeps telling me that this may not “the one” and that I shouldn’t set my heart on it. No one has ever accused me of being reasonable.

I’m so screwed.

Can you feel the excitement bubbling off this web page? You should. I’ll post more as soon as I can. Right now, we have to call our families. WOO HOO

EDITED:
Okay, well, we haven’t called EVERYONE. But we called our parents so that they don’t read about it here. And we told a few friends who called after reading the post above. Are you ready?

Four-way here we come. That’s right, our homestudy has been chosen to go to the next step – a staffing meeting called a four-way where our case worker will go and basically “sell” us to the baby’s case worker. It is between us and 2 other families. That gives us a 33.33333333333% chance, right? That’s closer than we’ve ever been before. Thanks, God.

The child we’re being considered for is Spiderman – the 5 month old baby boy. (Guess I’ll have to change the pink stripes in the nursery, huh?) The meeting will be on November 8 at 1pm and our case worker, M, said she’d call us as soon as it was over. This could be it. We are excited, but we’re also hesitant to get too excited. I mean, there are two other families. While we would love to get a 5 month old baby boy, we want this child to be placed with the family that is best for him. Please pray for baby Spiderman with us (God will know who you are talking about) – pray that his best interest is served.

Two weeks. Wow. This is gonna be a loooooong two weeks.

We had our meeting with M in our home this afternoon and we are both very impressed with her. She went over our homestudy with us and seems very professional yet caring at the same time. We like her a lot and hope that she likes us, too!

She will be following up with S on the three children that we are currently submitted on.

GO STROS!

Our meeting today with S’s supervisor was fine. Nothing exciting happened – we didn’t discuss S as there was no need to. We were assigned a new case worker and we met with her – M. M is coming to our house tomorrow afternoon for a home visit and will review our case file before then.

Meanwhile, we still haven’t heard anything on Superman so I asked M to please follow up on him. We’ve also been submitted on a 9 month old baby girl we’ll call Goldilocks and just today a 5 month old baby boy we’ll call spiderman. I hope we get our children soon as I’m going to run out of pseudo names for all of them.

So, now we wait again to see what happens. M seems nice and I think she’s fairly new to this agency so hopefully she isn’t burned out. We’re hopeful that she will do a great job.

Keep your fingers crossed!

OH, and GO ASTROS!

So I got a call from S this morning. Guess if you want her to return a call, you have to write her supervisor a letter and copy the CEO on it. I’m curious, if you were in S’s position and you decided to call me, what would you say? What would start that conversation with? How about, “I’m so sorry about our meeting last week,” or “You know, last week was just crazy and I’m sorry it was so chaotic when you were here….” Any version of that would have been nice.

Want to know what S had to say to me this morning when she called?

Me: Hello?
S: Hi Cindy, it’s S.
Me: Hi, how are you?
S: What’s going on?
Me: What do you mean?
S: When you left here last week I thought everything was fine.

I won’t continue the whole conversation, but you get the idea. I was very honest and direct, but not mean. I told her why we didn’t want to work with her anymore.

I got an email from her supervisor asking me to call and schedule a meeting with her. I called and we are going in to see her on Monday. I mentioned that S had called and that we’d still like a new case worker and she told me that we could discuss that on Monday. I’d feel better if she just said yes you’ll get one and we’ll talk more on Monday, but she didn’t. I guess we’ll have to see what happens.

I won’t go in to all the sordid details, but we emailed a letter to S’s supervisor today and copied the CEO of the agency on it. Yep, you heard me right. I said C E O. We felt led to share what happened in our meeting and I think we made the right decision. I feel a peace about it.

It wasn’t a scathing letter attacking S’s character – it simply stated the facts and we also requested another case worker. I’m anxious to see what the response will be, hopefully, we won’t be brushed off. I don’t think we will. How she treated us in that meeting was just wrong, regardless of how overwhelmed or burned out she was. Her superiors need to know how she treats families. Now they do. What they do about it is up to them.

If they choose not to work with us, we’ll just go somewhere else. We trust that God is in control and we’ll be where He wants us. Although I’m feeling like Billy Badasssssprin right now, you should know that while the letter certainly highlighted the poor behavior of S, it was not an attack on her character. It was very professional. You know, we hesitated to do anything because we kinda felt like we were just at their mercy – and that was such a yucky feeling. It felt like they had all the power and control and stood between us and our kids. I guess writing that letter made me feel like we were taking our power back.

So hear this S, we will fight you tooth and nail for our kids. You don’t stand a chance.

And if we don’t get a new case worker, they’re all going to find out who Curtis Henderson was.

Oh, and here’s a happy little fact for you. God smiled on us today. Here is a conversation I had with a friend a couple of weeks ago (she is studying to get her masters in Social Work at U of H):

Brit: There’s a girl in my class named Suzy who works for CPS, I think she works with the babies and toddlers

Me: Um, Hellloooooooo? You should totally tell her about us!

Brit: I will….I don’t know if it will help but I will.

Me: You never know, I know one of the kids (Superman) we were submitted on has a caseworker named Suzy. Probably not the same one, but you never know. Our last name is very uncommon….she would remember it.

Brit: ya, that’s true. I’ll mention you to her.

And this is a message I got from Brit earlier today:

Brit: You won’t believe this. I talked to Suzy today and told her about you and Daddy-O. And she said, “hmmmm….I have their homestudy on my desk right now.” She hasn’t read it yet but she made a note to read when she gets back to work.

and that, my friends, is God smiling.

This afternoon, I got to hold the most beautiful baby boy. I drove to Melony’s and got to hold her new son – and he is so adorable! He is such a happy baby – always smiling and laughing. It was surreal to hold him and feed him and even have him spit up all over me. I’m so happy for the Shorthorns! I can not tell you how it feels to hold the answer to a prayer in my arms. And did I mention how absolutely beautiful he is? He is precious, just precious.

I can’t imagine what it will be like to hold our child that way. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen. We’ve been planning for it for so long and at times I can almost taste it….but then sometimes it seems so far beyond my reach. I know that the moment that child is placed in my arms it will have been worth every second of waiting.

Chuzzle will keep me entertained for a while and I’m glad to hear from many of you that my little addiction is widespread. I wonder, how many of you are playing when you’re supposed to be working?

Here’s another way you can entertain yourself. Karen told me about this site on Baby Names – you can type in a name and see how popular it has been over the last few decades. Pretty cool. If you want to give your baby a name from 1880, this is the site for you.

I expected to be a little sad if I got this news, but I’m not. We were not selected to go to the four-way on Kay. So this isn’t the one. I can’t wait to see who is.

I’m amazed at how many people have told me they are now addicted to Bounce Out! It is a fun game but I’ve moved on to bigger and better things. So, see what I’ve been doing lately for entertainment. I’ve got to do something while I wait!

Adding to my list of growing addictions, I’m also unable to stop playing Play Station – some stupid game that I can not resist. I’m sure I’ll spend more hours than i should this week in front of the tv. Oh well. I can see it now….“No, you may not play anymore playstation today……….it’s mommy’s turn!”

Go Astros!

First, Mouthy Mom announced the upcoming addition of Baby H to their family, and possibly baby J as well! My heart sung with delight when I read her happy news.

Next, Melony (aka Shorthorns) got her great news…..a baby boy, named Canaan to join her family NEXT WEEK. (I’ll be there Wed, Mel! I can’t wait) I can not wait to hold this tiny answer to prayer in my arms!

Now, it’s Stacy’s turn! She got her girls – that’s right, TWO of them! Woo-Hoo! My heart is so full for you – I know you’ve been praying for this for a long time. I’m just thrilled! Congratulations!

So many happy beginnings of new families – how can I not be overjoyed at all God is doing their lives? And I know He is busy working in ours as well. Thank you for your words of encouragement after our meeting with S. And thank you for your anger as well!

The meeting with S makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. Although S works for a private agency and is therefore less overworked than a CPS worker, she is still overworked, I’m sure. I know these private agencies are regulated and I know these workers get burned out – my heart goes out to them. But we are GOOD family and we are going to provide a wonderful, loving home for a child. We deserve the respect of your attention, S, if nothing else.

I get frustrated because there are things I feel she should have known about us but she didn’t. For example, I am a stay at home mom. She was very surprised to hear that and that really ticked me off. For those of you in the adoption community, you understand the importance of being a SAHM and how that looks on your homestudy. Social workers like to see that we are going to stay home with the kids they are placing into our care. My point is, S has submitted us on a few children and I know she has talked to some of their workers. In “selling” us, she should have known we were a SAHM family. I don’t know why that bugs me so much, it just does.

I’m sure she has quite a caseload and doesn’t remember everything about everyone. But keep in mind she is responsible for matching us with children! She needs to know our facts. She is going to be representing us.

I do feel for her. But, unlike many CPS social workers, I don’t think all of the case workers in this agency are as burned out as S is. Right now, I have to believe there is a reason why S is our case worker. I am encouraging her and reminding her that she is making dreams come true for so many families. There may come a time when we want to request a new worker and we will not hesitate to that when and if the times comes. In the meantime, I’m going to make sure she doesn’t forget our “facts”. I’m going to make sure that she knows more of who we are. And I’ll do it creatively.

Okay, while I’m griping – because I’m not griping to her, you see, this is going to be my outlet. She didn’t know if we had submitted a mini-scrapbook or not. She didn’t even have our file in her office. If she is actively trying to match us with a child, shouldn’t she be a little more familiar with our file? This scrapbook thing stands out, every time you pick up our folder, you can see it is there. BLEH!

Okay, I’m done for now. Please help me pray for S. Pray that God will pour out His richest blessings on her. Pray that she would be overwhelmed with His Goodness and Grace. Pray that she remembers the important facts about us and that God gives her wisdom and discernment in matching. Please also pray that we will be an encouragement to her.

As long as I’m begging for prayers, would you also pray for wisdom on discernment on our part? We believe God is who He says He is and we believe God can do what He says He can do. We believe He has our children in the palm of His hands and we trust Him to get them to us. To God be the glory.

I’m going to give you a summary of yesterday’s meeting with S. I’d really like to know your thoughts. I will not exaggerate any aspect, these are just the facts, folks. Believe it or not.

We arrive at the office to meet with S at 3:50pm. About 4:05pm the director walks through the small lobby and out the front door….30 seconds later, S comes running through hollering for the director. They both go back through the office and I hear S say something about “she has a bruise”. I should also mention that S acknowledged us and apologized for making us wait as she was running through the office.

We aren’t idiots so we conclude there is a crisis with one of her placements. I don’t care how badly we want our kids, if another child is potentially in trouble that trumps us. Always. And it should.

About 4:20pm S steps into the lobby and says, “ok, i’m going to just do this but ya’ll come on back…i’m so sorry” and then disappeared. We stepped into the hallway and had to poke around a bit before we found her office. She was on the phone and asked us to come into her office and close the door.

We sat and listened to her call a foster-to-adopt mother and ask her to bring the baby in….now. “there’s a situation,” she said. I then heard her say, “not right now…but I can talk in about 10 minutes.” So I’m thinking to myself, there is a crisis and she does not have time to meet with us. This will be short and simple and we’ll get out of her way so she can handle this.

I was wrong. When she got off the phone, she told us what was going on and that she was having to make and emergency placement, probably just respite for a few days, maybe a week. There had to be an investigation and she didn’t think anything would come of it but had to take precautions.

“oh, hi. I’m S, by the way. It’s nice to meet you. Sorry it’s under these circumstances.” I say something like, ” looks like you’re having a bad day.” S then goes on to tell us what’s going on, without giving away any names ofcourse. Basically, she has 2 kids placed in a foster to adopt home and CPS has one of them and she needs to get the baby back immediately. Kids will stay in another foster home pending an investigation.

S asks again what we’re looking for and as we’re answering she picks up the phone and dials a number. “go ahead and talk, i can still listen to you while I do this” She must have told me that at least 5 times during the entire meeting. When she wasn’t on the phone, she told us that she’s had a serious problem with families and discipline. She has one child in ICU because of it right now and then this situation. I tell her that she will never have to worry about that with us…that we would never hurt a child and will follow the very strict guidelines around no physical punishment. S says, AND I QUOTE, “Right now, I don’t want to place any more kids with families.” And I say jokingly, “oh no….you’ve got to do at least one more…for us!” I tell her that while I’m sorry she has had a run of bad luck lately, there are lots of families out there just like who she is helping to start or add to their family.

I dont’ remember the order of these conversations, all I remember is that the ENTIRE time we were talking – and I am NOT exaggerating – S was on the phone. Either answering it or calling someone, looking for a place to put those kids for the weekend. At some point in the conversation it occurs to her that we could take the baby home with us. “let me get a copy of your license,” she says. I remind her that we don’t have a license yet because SHE HASN’T SUBMITTED THE PAPERWORK. I remind her that the last time I asked her about it, she said it would take more than 24 hours and she would send it in once we had a match. THen she calls at least 5 different people trying to find out if we have to be licensed in order to provide respite care. Then she says that even if we aren’t licensed, she’ll send baby home with us and she’ll file our license first thing in the morning.

Okay, this is getting too long. I think you get the point. We were in her office for an hour and a half and I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. She had the phone to her ear for all but maybe 5 minutes of that time.

Somewhere in the mix of all that we talk about Kay and Super Man. She’s heard nothing on either. I ask if she’s had any luck getting in touch with Kay’s caseworker – the one she knows. She tells me she doesn’t think she know Kay’s caseworker, but she know Super Man’s. “But I have a really good feeling about Kay.” she says again. Although I have told her several times before, I remind her again of what our preferences are for children.

Did I mention that the whole time we were there she was on the friggin phone? We didn’t end up taking baby home with us. I think the reason she kept us there so long is because she was hoping we could.

To be fair, S has a really hard job. She mentioned several times that she wants to quit and can’t wait to “get out.” She deals with kids who are abused, sometimes severely sexually abused. And she has to move them from home to home. I get that. I wouldn’t want her job. But I do want kids and I’m counting on her to help us find them.

So, what do you think?

No news on either child. Meeting with S was……interesting. I’ll post more later – I need to process this first.

So much good news in the adoption community lately! Today, my dear friend Melony, AKA SHorthorns, was matched with their son! Woo – Hoo! They will bring him home next week! NEXT WEEK! I’m so excited for you guys, Mel and I know ya’ll are going to be the best parents and family for Canaan! Congratulations! I can’t wait to meet him.

I emailed S this morning to confirm our meeting today and we are still on. She said she still has not heard anything on either child, however. I hope she hears before we get there today.

I’m feeling a little sad tonight. Maybe it’s sadness but then again, maybe it’s just fear. Tomorrow we’re supposed to meet with S at 4pm. I’m hoping she’ll have heard something by then because in her words, “surely I’ll hear something by Thursday”. But what if she hasn’t? That is the worst part for me – not knowing. I can handle disappointment and I can certainly handle good news…..just tell me something. And please tell me you have found our child.

I say “our child” because that is how I feel. While I am forever grateful to the birthparents of our children for giving them life, they are our children. We will be the ones to raise them, teach them and love them every day. What has me a little frustrated today isn’t even so much of me just not knowing, it’s what we’re missing out on. Kay is at least 5 months old but every day she is getting bigger and I don’t want to miss one more day. Superman is one year old and we just missed his first birthday. Kay is no doubt eating rice cereal and probably some baby food as well. I wonder what she likes? What she doesn’t like? Is she sleeping through the night? (I sure hope so) And what about Superman? Is he walking already? What sounds does he make? What does he like?

I am just dying to know. EAch additional minute the state takes to choose a family for these children is another minute they miss with their parents. Okay, so I know there is a process and I know it’s going to happen. It really will, won’t it? My heart is overflowing with so much love for our children, surely they must feel it – wherever they are. My prayer each night is that someone is loving our child – hugging him or her and singing him/her to sleep. I can’t wait until we’re the ones doing those things.

I guess I’m just feeling antsy. Is one of these children the one God has for us? It’s okay if they aren’t. We will wait on God. But please, please, please, let me find out tomorrow if we are going to the next step with either of these kids. Please?

Don’t worry, my dedicated readers (all 3 of you), I will post tomorrow evening and let you know if we got any news during our meeting with S.

• Have a reason for calling – ANY reason is better than no reason, rescheduling a meeting is a great reason
• when you call at 11am and there is no answer, don’t leave a message – NEVER leave a message, if you do, you’re stuck waiting for a return call and it will seem creepy if you call again
• call back at 11:30am and when you talk to your case worker, try to sound casual
• Ask her about rescheduling a meeting and don’t even mention the child you’re waiting to hear about
• hold your breath and count to ten when she says, oh, let me open my email and see if I’ve heard anything
• do everything you can to keep from screaming, “LET ME OPEN MY EMAIL? IT IS 11:30AM LADY, WHY HAVEN’T YOU CHECKED IT YET? MY LIFE IS ON HOLD HERE, LADY, DON’T YOU GET THAT? CHECK YOUR FREAKIN’ EMAIL. EVERY 30 SECONDS. OR ELSE.”
• And when she tells you she still doesn’t have an email but she should hear something by Thursday, sound casual as you say, “oh, that would be great.”
• do not say, “WHAT? TWO MORE DAYS! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?”
• when she says she is going to call Sally (Kay’s caseworker), if you sound a little too desparate when you beg her to call you the minute she knows anything, just laugh it off as though you were joking and maybe she won’t notice
• When she mentiond the 1 year old little boy we’ll call SuperMan and says she expected to hear something on him this week, too….don’t tell her to call that case worker too. Wait until she says, “maybe i’ll give his case worker a call, too” and then say (again casually), “Ya, that’s a good idea.”
• As soon as you hang up the phone with her, don’t count the hours until you’ll meet her on Thursday – that’s just pathetic.

Waiting sucks. There is just no way around it – it sucks. Want to know what sucks even more? All we’re waiting for now is to find out if we make it to the next step which means we’ll get to wait again! It’s insane.

This week. The phone could ring and we could find out that we are one step closer to our child. This week, “our child” could be a 1 year old little boy or a 5 month old little girl. If I tried to tell you that I was not completely consumed with thoughts of these little ones, you wouldn’t believe me.

I can’t even put coherent sentences together – it’s so much fun to think of the what if’s. It’s easy to think “what if it’s not this week” or “what if we aren’t chosen for either of these children.” But what I keep asking myself is, “What if we are?” Could the reality of our dream really be that close? Is it almost within our reach?

What will we do while we wait again to see if we are chosen after a four-way? What will it be like when we get the call that says we’ve been matched? How will it feel? How will we react when we meet our baby for the first time? What will he/she look like? What will it be like to hold our child in our arms for the first time? How will we sleep at night knowing that the answer to our prayer is sleeping in the room next to us? (i know what you’re thinking now – we’ll be so tired how will we not sleep? ha)

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend Brigitte and her 8 week old baby. We had so much fun and I loved playing with that sweet little boy. And I only called home to see if I had messages about 10 times……..in 4 hours. Today, I’m going to call S during my break from classes. I’ve got a great excuse to call her today – we still need to reschedule our meeting so that’s my “in”. I don’t know what I’m thinking – I guess part of me is hoping that she’ll say, “oh and by the way, we’re going to the four way on this child….” ha ha ha

I am officially losing my mind. If you find it, please let me know. While we’re waiting, we can live vicariously through CJ – go on over and congratulate her on the new addition to her family!

Well, thanks to my mom, aka Grammy, we now have bedding for the crib! It was hard not to buy it as soon as we had the crib, but we knew we’d better wait to see if we get a boy or a girl. So, why do we have it now? Well, even though we don’t know if we’ll get Kay or Kris (the one year old little boy!) or either of them, we feel pretty sure that we’ll know who we get within 90 days. ha ha ha We kept receipts and didn’t wash anything yet so we can always exchange it for boy stuff if we need to!

Since the room is already painted for a girl, why not go with the girl bedding? And doesn’t look just absolutely beautiful? I know you probably think it’s cute but no big deal, but when I look at it, it just takes my breath away.

Sleep will not come easily tonight as I close my eyes and visions of the most beautiful baby dance in my head. I can see her tiny round face light up as she smiles and my heart swells. I can almost feel her snuggling close to me as her eyes get heavy and sleep falls over her. I can feel the weight of her small body in my arms as I hold her close and breathe in the smell of her hair.

Are my hopes up too high? Am I investing too much in the possibility that Kay could be the child God has for us? Absolutely. Do I care? Absolutely not.

While I hope with all my heart that this is “our child”, my hope is not in this child – my Hope is in Christ. It is because my Hope is in Christ that I can be so full of excitement over this child, knowing that if she isn’t “the one” my heart won’t break. My Hope will only grow because I trust and believe that God has our child(ren) picked out and that we will be united in His perfect time. If it isn’t Kay, then I know we’re just one step closer.

Ps 71:14
14 But I will hope continually,And will praise You yet more and more.NKJV

Ps 119:114114 You are my refuge and my shield;your word is my only source of hope. NLT

Ps 130:5
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,And in His word I do hope .NKJV

Ps 146:5
5 Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help,Whose hope is in the LORD his God,NKJV

Jer 17:7-8
7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,And whose hope is the LORD.8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,Which spreads out its roots by the river,And will not fear when heat comes;But its leaf will be green,And will not be anxious in the year of drought,Nor will cease from yielding fruit.NKJV

I finally talked to S at about 10:20 this morning! She is very sweet and promised to let me know as soon as she gets the email telling her which families have been chosen to go to the 4-way on Kay. I didn’t know this, but she will get an email letting her know who has been chosen, even if we are not the ones chosen. She promised to let me know.

Bad News. She said that while she could hear today or even Monday, it could actually be as late as later next week. So, the waiting continues.

If you haven’t done so yet, please go over and see Tamara and let her know you’ve lifted her up in prayer. She had an infant placed with her and was only able to experience the joy for 23 hours before the infant was returned home. Good news that a family has been able to stay together – we’re all grateful for that. But Tamara put her heart on the line and now we need to help her nurse it back to being whole. We love you, Tamara!

What an amazing morning! It’s nice and cool outside. I sat out in the back yard with Paw Paw (the sweetest 85 year old man you’ve ever met) and had my coffee. It’s not cold, just nice and crisp out there. It reminds me of something………wait……it’s coming………oh! I know! It reminds me of BABIES! Go figure.

Wouldn’t this be a perfect day to find out that we are one step closer to getting our baby?

Last night, I had many dreams about Kay. I dreamt we got a call that said we were getting her and I was in a furniture store and started jumping up and down on the couches. Kinda like a certain actor whose name shall never grace the pages of my blog because I think he is a RAMBLING IDIOT and I will NEVER see another movie with him in it as long as i live. Oops, guess I have a strong opinion about that.

I woke up at 8:30am this morning and managed to wait until 9:30am before calling S. She didn’t answer so now I get to call back.

How many times a day can I call before it is considered “stalking”?

One of the hardest times when you’re trying to get pregnant is the “two week wait” after you ovulate. You really should wait 10-14 days before taking a pregnancy test or it won’t be accurate. I know millions of women out there right now are asking themselves, “should I pee on a stick or wait another day?”

Well, for all of you still struggling in the world of infertility, i say Pee, sister! Go ahead. At least you’ll “get it out of your system.”

I guess you’re probably wondering why I’m blogging about peeing. Well, because right now I feel like I’m in that HORRIBLE two week wait period – I wish I could just pee on a stick to find out if I’m having a baby or not.

S called this morning and had to cancel our 4pm meeting today. My heart sunk – I was so disappointed and I still am. But, she did give me some news that made the disappoinment pale in comparison. Kay’s case “closed” yesterday! This means that no new homestudies are being accepted for Kay. Which means they should be deciding VERY SOON who will go to the next step, the all important 4 way. S told me she keeps checking her email to see if she’s been notified that we were selected. She is very hopeful that we will be, i guess because she has worked with that case worker before and because she didn’t think there would be many homestudies submitted on her. Anyway, she promised to call me if she found out.

What sucks is that if we aren’t selected, we won’t know except that we’ll just never be told we are selected. System sucks that way. But, I know if we don’t hear anything by tomorrow, maybe Monday at the latest, that we were not selected for the next step. So I’m just sitting here, waiting to pee on a stick.

It is 7:30am and I am not only awake, but blogging. BEfore you think aliens have invaded and taken over my body (why else would I be awake at this early hour?) you should know I have to work at 8am this morning. Which means I wake up about 7 to brush my teeth and get some breakfast. Working from home is wonderful.

I’m wondering though, how will this work when we get our children? I guess I’ll be getting up a lot earlier so that I can take them to Granny’s where they’ll stay while I work. Ugh. Earlier than 7am? Please tell me that kids come programmed to sleep until at least 9:30.

Because I feel like we’re getting closer, I’m starting to feel like waiting another month or so won’t be so bad. Ha! Is it normal to be this afraid of getting what we’ve wanted for so long? It doesn’t seem real – ironically, it may not be! We could still be months away from our children. Who knows?

Enough morning rambling. I’m still too asleep to put intelligent sentences together so we’ll just leave it at this. I would like more feedback, though. Most of you have been pretty quiet over the last few weeks. So, questions anyone?

I almost forgot, today is our meeting with S. 4pm. I wonder if she’ll have any new news for us?

It’s hard not to be exicited. I woke up this morning almost obsessing about this 5 month old little girl. Let’s call her Kay so we won’t get confused. Who knows? Maybe I’m just so caught up in one mouthy mom’s excitement that I can’t separate it from my own. Anyway, here are the main reasons I’m getting so excited:

• Kay is a 5 month old baby girl!!!! Woo Hoo! The nursery is already painted for a girl, though I’d be just as thrilled for a boy
• S (our case worker) has worked with Kay’s worker before – this gives us a leg up
• S wants to meet with us this week – I can’t help but think she feels we are getting really close, maybe feeling confident about Kay?
• Did I mention Kay is a 5 month old baby girl?
• It just feels good to think about it

Now I’m fantasizing about receiving the call that says we’ve got her. Holy Moly. I’m in too deep on this one. God, not my will, but Yours.

My heart is just bubbling over with excitement. I know that as you read this, you probably think I’ll be devastated if we don’t get Kay. But we won’t. God has been so incredibly faithful through this whole process, He is not going to drop the ball now. He has guarded our hearts from the beginning and I know if Kay is not meant for us, then God has another child or children for us. I only want the child(ren) He has for us and we have faith that we will get them. God is so good, friends. So good.

I’ve yet to tell you the biggest advantage of having Wes, my 6 year old nephew, here with us. When Daddy-O isn’t home to save me from the mighty Geckos, Wes comes running, tiny fingers ready to snatch up any Gecko in sight. Unfortunately for the Gecko, Wes isn’t quite as skilled as Daddy-O and the Gecko usually does not find itself being placed outside with its tail intact. Did you know that when a Gecko’s tail breaks off, it continues to wiggle? Wish I didn’t.

Evidently, the fear of Geckos runs in my family. As my sister was getting ready for her bath this morning, I heard her scream, “UUUUUUUhhhh….Ohhhhhhhh….WEEEEEES! Come get this Gecko!” Thank God Wes has yet to discover the fun of chasing his mom or his aunt with a live Gecko in his hand. We’re both screwed when he does. Little boy with live Gecko equals two very outnumbered and frightened adults. Please don’t tell him.

I know what it feels like to have been part of the Brady Bunch. And I love it. I love having a house full of people – there is always someone to talk to. What a great way to pass the time I spend waiting for our kids. I wonder what Daddy-O would say if I told him I think we should have a house full of kids, now?

I’m still very hopeful about the two children we were submitted on last week and hope to hear more on them. I’ll ask S about them when we meet with her this Thursday.

In the meantime, i’m gettting a taste of what it’s like to have a kid. (Based on having Wes here for the past several days) Here are some things I’ve learned:

• There will always be someone to play Playstation with – and they will usually be better than you
• Forget taking a 1/2 hour bath – it’s just not the same with a 6 year old running in every 5 minutes asking, “Are you ALMOST finished?”
• Chores – chores Rock! We’ll never have to feed the dogs again!
• Listening to him pray is about the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard
• It’s right up there with listening to him sing praise songs on the ride home from church
• Oh, and who knew dancing naked could be so much fun?
• until you get caught
• then it’s embarassing
• There will always be someone eager to help you turn biscuits into cinnamon rolls
• They learn very early how to get what they want – says Wes, “Mom, look how good I’m being.” He was sucking up for more PS2 time!
• A child’s laughter is infectous. Is that even a word?

So, for Melony and TB (my sister who sits a the computer next to mine at night and plays Bounce Out with me while asking, “have you blogged again yet?”) Here ya go.